The Journals of Antonius
SECOND ENTRY
My life within the temple of the Peonian church was, for the next two years quite calm and instructive. It is during that time that I had the privilege to learn how to read and write. Sir Matthew was a great teacher, as was Elder Marcus. My life could have gone on endlessly in the bliss of simple work done well, the contemplation of prayer and the practice grounds of the Laranian Knights.
Only one thing stood between my true my calling and it’s realization, and that was the ugly head of doubt. Doubt is a human fear that can truly rot away the soul, when I realized I was plagued with it, I begged Peoni to rid me of it, I prayed to Larani to cleanse me of it, but both Goddesses remained silent. My despair grew, until I finally pinpointed the source of my doubt. It was the largest question I had ever asked myself, and low and behold, as a simple squire I was not ready to answer it.
The question before me I knew would dictate the rest of my life. That question concerned the choice of Goddess to which I would devote the rest of my life to. Larani had many appeals; travels, noble battles, excitement and strength. Peoni on the other had offered much more subtle attractions; contemplation, noble causes and deeds, simplicity and purpose. Both appealed to me greatly, both called to me and I must admit, I needed both. Yet who was I to believe that the love I had for my Goddesses was enough for them? Besides the devotion I wanted to give to them had contradictions within it, the first being non-violence for Peoni and Knighthood for Larani.
As I searched the depth of my being for an answer, a dreadful realization came to me. At least when one is showered in doubt, any negative realization becomes dreadful. What if I could never answer the question of my belief? What if the answer lay elsewhere, where I would be far away from my beloved temple, and far away from all I knew? As afraid as I was when I asked myself all these question, I also realized that a separation may be exactly what I need, distance and perspective, to answer my question. Besides, even if I was far away from the temple of Coronan, the Goddesses would always be where I am.
I guess both Peoni and Larani knew this would be the best way for me because as I stumbled out of the Temple and into the streets, I bumped into a Legionnaire. The legion had been my childhood dream of wealth and adventure, excitement and contribution to my sisters wedding. Could I not find the answer among serving men and women? I thought of my choice for another month before I actually mentioned it to Sir Matthew. He thought it was a grand idea, so did Sister Anna. I always felt that from that moment on, she believed me to be a Laranian, but who am I to read the mind of one of the strongest-willed persons I know.
The next week, I enrolled.
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